In the last OAP, we introduced The Emotional Progression Model. This is the underlying theory for much of what we do. Essentially, it divides the process of meeting a woman into seven phases:
- Approaching – you see someone you like. What do you do first?
- Transitioning – turn an opening line into a real conversation
- Attraction – get her attracted to you
- Qualification – solidify that attraction and make her feel she’s earned it
- Comfort – build comfort and rapport with each other
- Seduction – make things overtly sexual – seal the deal
- Relationship – what happens next
You can download a quick summary of the Emotional Progression Model from the publications section of our website. The model is also explained in significantly greater detail in Chapters 4-10 of Magic Bullets, the groundbreaking book that explains the fundamentals of dating, attraction, and our secret methods.
We all caught up? Great. Let’s get into the first phase of the model, approaching, and get into some techniques you can start using tonight.
2. TMM Secrets #2: Approaching
So you see a woman you might be interested in. The first question that most guys have is “what do I say?” Whatever it is that you first say to a woman is your “opener”.
There are 6 or 7 different types of openers. We don’t have time to cover them all, especially if I want to explain how to use them properly and what to do next. So we’ll pick one of the easier categories, called “Opinion Openers”. The other opener types and how to use them – and more detail about opinion openers than we can fit in the OAP – is available in Magic Bullets. The chapter on Approaching is available for free download here, so there’s really no excuse not to take a look.
Opinion Openers are relatively low-stress and they work whether you are approaching a woman by herself, a woman with female friends, or a woman in a mixed group.
I’ll give you a couple of examples (also from Magic Bullets) and then explain the structure behind them.
- “My friend Eddie over there in the green shirt just broke up with his girlfriend. How long do you think he has to wait before dating her friend?”
- “I’m planning my friend’s birthday party next Friday and I’m trying to decide between an 80s theme and a jungle theme. What do you think?”
- “My friend keeps getting anonymous emails from a secret admirer but he thinks he knows who it is. Should he say something?”
Openers are not meant to be read and admired. They are meant to be used. Go out and practice opening. At this point, it doesn’t matter who you approach, or where. Just get used to the process.
Now, these words are not magic spells that will bring women into your life. First of all, we’re still in the Approaching phase – we’re just trying to start a conversation here. Second, most communication is non-verbal. HOW you deliver an opener is as important and what you say. So most of the recent of this OAP will focus on delivery.
- Address the entire group. Beautiful women are not often alone. If you walk up to a group of three people and start only talking to the woman you want, her friends may try to shut you down from the beginning. Remember, you’re not hitting on her – yet. You’re just starting a conversation because you wanted to get someone’s opinion on something, and the people you are talking to just happened to be there.
- Have a loud, commanding voice. We give a couple of examples of vocal tonality when we demonstrate our openers on our Interview Series CD #1 on Opening (I’ll explain more about the interview series later, but this is a CD you have to have). This interview has some of our best material; you can hear some of the openers that the masters use, and how they use them; there should be some free sample audio on that page as well.. In general, almost every student we get on our bootcamps is too quiet. Practice being louder until people wonder why you are shouting, then scale it back a notch.
- Get their attention first. Approach a group and say something like “hey guys” and pause, and wait for them to look to you to see what you have to say. If they don’t pause, then you probably weren’t being loud enough (see #2). In that case, just repeat yourself. Don’t rush into the opener until you have their attention. Also, don’t say “hey ladies” or something like that. At this point in the conversation, their gender isn’t important and they shouldn’t think you are approaching them because you think they are attractive.
- Approach within three seconds of noticing someone you want to meet. This is the “three-second rule”. It will help with approach anxiety (see below) and will make you seem more confident and spontaneous. If you sit and stare at a woman for a couple of minutes before approaching her, you will likely creep her out so much that no opener will work.
- Don't lean in. It makes you seem like you have lower status than the person you’re talking to. Stand up straight always, even if they can’t hear you. The solution to them not being able to hear you is to be louder. The solution for you not being able to hear them is something we’ll cover in the next email. We also deal with opening conversations in more detail in both Magic Bullets and Interview Series CD #1 on Opening.
- Don’t speak too fast. Focus on tonality and delivery. It’s an often-reported statistic that 93% of communication is non-verbal. That means that almost all of what you communicate to someone is not what you say; it’s how you say it. As an example, take the phrase “I can do that”. Start by emphasizing different words. Like “I CAN do that”, “*I* can do that”, “I can do THAT” and so on. Then for each of these combinations, say it louder or softer, quicker or slower. I’m serious. Go into a room by yourself for two minutes and do this. It will illustrate the importance of tonality in a way that little else can. This is why we spend so much time on our CD on Opening demonstrating different tonalities.
Everything we do at TMM is based on the real world, not ivory tower theory. And one thing that happens is the real world is that men see a beautiful woman and then freeze. It doesn’t; matter if you’re a doctor, a fighter pilot, or a police officer – it happens to most men. This is why many guys go to bars and get drunk before having the courage to approach women.
It’s easy to make excuses not to approach someone. But you have to get used to doing this, ideally without alcohol. There’s no way around this, but we will help you through the process.
First, I’ll tell you a bit about my personal history.
Before I learned to approach, I remember one night after I broke up with my girlfriend of three years when I went out with a couple of single friends to meet women. We went to a popular nightclub.
Fifteen times I approached women. Fifteen times the women ended the conversation within two minutes. I did not successfully open a single group.
A few weeks later, I was out with someone who had previously taken a bootcamp (this is before I joined TMM). I saw how to open effectively, and got a little bit better. Gradually, more and more groups began to open.
What I realized was opening is a skill, not a personality test. After my 0 for 15 night, I felt terrible about myself. I felt like no woman would want me. And yet, two weeks later, the results started to change. Did I become a different person over those two weeks? No. I just learned to approach. No one had actually been rejecting me. They were rejecting my approach, and rightly so since it was terrible. They could not possibly have been rejecting me, since no woman got to know me for more than two minutes. They did not know anything about me.
You as a person can no more be rejected by a woman during your opener than the game of basketball could reject you because you missed a shot. Practice the shot – or the opener – and you will succeed.
Go out somewhere where people don’t know you and use a ridiculous opener – one that you expect would not work. Do it 10 times. You will not die. You will simply internalize into your brain the relationship between a poor approach and its rejection. And that’s the worst that can happen to you.
Then learn to approach properly – through the OAP, through Magic Bullets, through the Opening CD – and go through the learning process. You know you can survive the worst-case scenario, and it’s only going to get better.
I’ll include a couple more tips for dealing with approach anxiety. These come from Magic Bullets. I’ll gloss over them here, since they are covered in more detail in the free chapter of the book, and especially in Interview Series CD #1 on Opening (with myself and fellow The Mystery Method instructor Sinn):
- Think of your first couple approaches in a night as “warm ups”. Most people generally need to ease into the process of being social with strangers.
- Before you go out, do things to get your social energy up. Call friends. Listen to high-energy music. Interact with random people. It’s very difficult to go straight from being solitary on your computer to being the life of the party at a busy event.
- Create incentives. Very few people like approaching. Some people set targets of a certain number of approaches per day or per week. Others take it a step further and create systems to reward themselves if they succeed or punish themselves if they fail. For example, you could go out with a friend and give him $200 and have him pay you $20 every time you opened someone new. Or tell your friend not to drive you home until you’ve approached 8 new groups.
- Set a goal for yourself. I tell guys who train with me to approach at least five women or groups whom they don’t know every day. Getting into those kinds of habits breeds skill – and results.
3. Approaching: Advanced Section
Once you’ve got the basics down, here are a couple of different things you can try:
- Approach beautiful women who are in groups with men in them (i.e., “mixed groups). You’ll vary your openers a bit when there are men in the group, and we explain exactly how in Interview Series CD #1 on Opening. A couple of quick tips: primarily address the men, not the women of the group; stay away from overly relationship-based topics, and initially adopt a somewhat dismissive attitude toward the women in the group. You definitely should be approaching mixed groups – for reasons we don’t have space for in this OAP, mixed groups are more likely to lead to going home with a woman that night than all-female groups.
- Watch for “invitations” to approach. A woman who makes eye contact with you more than once will usually want you to approach. A woman who “accidentally” bumps into you may want you to approach. A woman or group of women who stand a few feet away from you for no immediately obvious reason may want you to approach.
- Encourage women to approach you. The best way to do this is to appear to be a high-energy person surrounded by other interesting people. Have one interesting item on you that other people can ask about. Maybe it’s an unusual piece of clothing. Maybe it’s a musical instrument. Maybe it’s a travel guide to Tibet (you probably don’t want to bring the last two of these to a bar, but they’re good for other venues). Most women don’t like approaching any more than you do, and if you don’t make it easy for them, by giving them an excuse to talk to you, then you’ll miss out on some women who would otherwise meet you.
- Don’t look like a shark in hunting season, constantly scanning around for women to approach. Relax and have fun where you are. When you happen to notice someone, approach them (right away - remember the 3-second rule). If you are wandering around alone, looking for women to approach, they will notice, and your task will become much harder.
4. Conclusion
That’s it for today guys. Your homework before the next OAP is to go to the Magic Bullets page and download the free chapters, and to approach 5 women who you don’t already know, every day. Remember: you’re not hitting on them yet. You’re just asking their opinion on something and getting used to approaching. If longer conversations develop, all the better. But for now, make sure you are able to consistently approach groups of people and effectively open them.
Take Care,
Savoy
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