What Separates A Winner From A Loser Is...

Hey,

I want to share with you one of the biggest lessons I
learned in the last month.

It's something I've been trying to figure out since
I first started teaching workshops, and noticing
that some people excelled while others got nowhere
-- even though they were both putting in the same
amount of work.

There was a piece missing that no one was teaching.
Here's how I found it:

A PUA I'd met on my last book tour did a massive
favor for me. He's a sweet, good-hearted guy who
has been in the community for years, knows every
routine (even listens to them over and over on his
iPod), goes out sarging nearly every night, and yet
is still a virgin.

So in exchange for all the heroic work he'd done, I
flew him to Los Angeles for a weekend to examine
his game and find his Achille's Heel.

I eventually found it, and it turned out to be such
an epiphany that I made it one of the assignments
in the Stylelife Challenge in Rules of the Game (see
Day 16).

************
Here is the key distinction:

The guy who fails at the game is the one who
goes out looking for women to make him
feel good about himself.

The guy who succeeds at the game is the one
who goes out and makes other people feel good
about themselves.
************

This first type of guy, no one wants to be around.
He is needy. He is insecure. He is reaction-seeking.
He will suck your energy dry in his selfish quest for
your validation and approval.

This second type of guy is easy to be with. He radiates
charisma and positive energy. You enjoy his company,
as do your friends, and you want him around all the
time. You trust him, feel comfortable with him, end
up at his house at 5 a.m. wondering where all that
time went.

Both guys do and say the exact same things but get
a very different reaction from women because of the
intent they are communicating.

WAIT a minute, you may say: What about negs? Their
use seems to contradict this idea of making people feel
good about themselves.

Think again.

When you give a woman who's often hit on a generic
compliment, she will usually either ignore the remark
or assume you're saying it because you want to sleep
with her.

When you tease her and show her that you're
unaffected by her beauty and demonstrate that you're
out of her league - and THEN let her work to win
you over and ultimately REWARD her with your
approval, she will leave that night feeling good about
herself. Like something special happened and she
connected with somebody who appreciates her for
who she REALLY is.

In short, a neg will buy you the credibility you need
to sincerely compliment her later.

That said, I don't necessarily advocate negs; they
are in many ways a temporary patch to stick onto
your personality while you learn to possess real
confidence and strength of character.

So, to drive this all home, here's an assignment
I gave the guys in the Stylelife Challenge: Your
mission this week is to make five people feel better
about themselves - with no thought as to how you
come across in the process.

This can include anything from telling a parent
how much you appreciate them; to making an awkward
guest at a party feel wanted and included; to telling
a person who just blew a lot of money on a car/outfit/
haircut how cool it looks; to giving a homeless person
eye contact, smiling, and handing them five dollars.
Start developing an instinct for what someone needs
to feel good about themselves and their choices, and
stop worrying about what they think of you.

Pretty soon, it'll become a habit, and you'll be a social
magnet forced to sign up for Half Your Dating seminars
to stop your cell phone from ringing all the time.

In Your Corner,
Style

P.S. Did I mention how charismatic you look today? And I love
that thing you did just now. Keep it up!

P.P.S. After spending the weekend in L.A. and discussing
the ideas above, the PUA with the former Achille's Heel sent
me the following email: "The other night, it was my 26th
birthday. I was chatting up a four-set using the positive
ideas we'd discussed, and one of them started groping me.
Next thing you know, hardcore tonguedown makeout.
First time ever - yay!"





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